


I Can't Say 'I Do' Without You

by bubblegumclouds



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Arranged Marriage kinda, Blood, Car Accidents, Chaptered, Depression, I've never done a proper chaptered fic, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Marriage, Mental Breakdown, Muke - Freeform, Punk Michael, Science, Science Experiments, Secrets, Self-Harm, Slight trigger warning, based off the tv show, if that triggers you pls stay safe, married at first sight, married at first sight au, not sure if there will be any more characters, so enjoy, sort of, the whole thing is one big science experiment actually, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-22
Updated: 2015-09-28
Packaged: 2018-04-10 16:27:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4399115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubblegumclouds/pseuds/bubblegumclouds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael is a hopeless romantic who just wants a shot at feeling whole again. Calum is his best friend who struggles to keep them both afloat.</p><p>(Or a fic based on the TV show, Married At First Sight where the first time Michael meets Luke is on their wedding day)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Your Application Has Been Successful!

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first chaptered fic and I'm actually kind of nervous for this! I hope people like it as I sure love the whole idea! If you want any information on the show,
> 
> the details are here,  
> http://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/474809/Channel-4-s-controversial-Married-At-First-Sight-show-slammed-as-nonsense-by-experts
> 
> and also here, http://www.channel4.com/info/press/news/looking-for-the-one-channel-4-may-have-the-answer
> 
> and if you need any more just watch the series on 4OD or type 'married at first sight' into Google!

At first it was a bit of a joke between Michael and his best friend Calum, more of a 'I dare you to fill the form in and sent it off' kinda thing but now they weren't laughing anymore as they glared at the harsh white glow of the screen.  
'Dear Michael Clifford,  
Your application for our show, 'Married At First Sight' has been accepted, please get back to us as soon as possible so we can begin to arrange the details.  
Yours sincerely,  
The crew at ITV Studios'  
That's what was written in Michael's email inbox and neither of they boys had any idea what to say. Michael blinked and licked his dry lips as he tried to force the information to register in his shocked brain. A million things raced around his train of thought. Should I actually do it? How does it work? Do I even want a husband yet? Do I want to be on camera? What would my parents say? Along with many other questions and he turned to his left and saw his best friend in the same state of disbelief. Calum's tanned skin dusted with the strong light, his plump red lips open with surprise and his deep chestnut eyes the same. Calum lifted off the stool he was perched on slightly and moved even closer to the computer, the glow coating more of his skin.

"Are you sure they want you?! Are you sure they didn't get it wrong?" He asked desperately as he, almost comically, turned between Michael's pale face and the projection of the MacBook screen. Michael nodded hesitantly, his eyes fluttering around,  
"It says my name at the top of the email, asshole." He muttered, unable to think due to the overload of emotions. The room went quiet for a while and there was an awful atmosphere to the air, there were so many questions, so many thoughts, so many feelings, almost too many. Calum flicked his head to check Michael's face and he was surprised by the thoughtful look Michael was showing.  
"You're not gonna do it are you?!" Calum gasped as he could recognise Michael's thoughts just from his facial expression, 7 years of friendship had taught that.  
"Dunno, going out for a walk." Michael mumbled non-committedly as he stared down to the wooden coated floor before briskly shoving past Calum and snatching his black coat brutally off the hook on the stairs. A hurried click and booming slam later, Michael was gone and Calum knew not to ever follow him. He only ever went on walks when he needed to think or to clear his head.

As soon as Michael stepped out the chilly air hit his body with a force and his shivering limbs wrestled to tug on his coat as he marched down the street, pulling on his sleeves. He took a large breath, inhaling the icy gust of the city, feeling it fill his lungs. Walking along the uneven concrete, he began to create bursts of scenarios in his head, him walking down the altar seeing an unknown face at the end, him living in a house with the stranger and a dog or his other choices. Him living alone surrounded by week old ice cream tubs as he screamed profanities at his Xbox, him slouched on his sofa alone watching countless hours of mind-numbing TV with leftovers from god knows when. After hundreds of scenarios, a stone cold body, a few miles walking and what must have been an hour or two (because it had gone dark and Michael swore it was bright when he left) Michael had come to a decision. He was determined to stay firm on it no matter what anybody else thought, said or did.  
His frozen fingers scrambled deep into his pockets among the chocolate bar wrappers to fish out his house key and pushed it into the lock as silently as possible, (Calum might be asleep, that boy has very strange sleeping patterns). He lightly pressed on the door, allowing it to open and the heat of the house to gather around him. Michael sighed as he shut the door hastily behind him to prevent the cold clawing its way in and saw the house in the same state he left it. The only thing that differed was that Calum was no longer perched on the rusty old stool beside the desk however a rustle from upstairs told him Calum had gone to bed. Walking up to the computer felt like a directed scene from a movie with the slow motion and the loud booming noises. Michael's emerald eyes were transfixed on the laptop, the email still written on the screen.

Sitting down timidly, Michael took a minute to capture this memory like a mental camera as he knew once he did this, his life would never be the same again. The dirty, worn computer chair squeaked under his weight and he looked down at where his fingers were hovering, wiggling just above the keyboard in preparation to type.  
'Dear ITV Studios,  
Thank you for your acceptance of my application, I would love to be a part of the show. Below are my details however if you would like any more information please let me know.  
Thank you,  
Michael'  
His nimble fingers worked quickly over the keys, slowing down as he finished and checked over for any mistakes. Michael knew if he pressed send now that that was it. Done. He was getting married. It was a both scary and slightly exciting thought to Michael as he had always adored the idea of a soulmate, someone who is perfect for you. Michael figured that if anyone could find him, this would be the place. Taking a large breath and moving the cursor, Michael paused before clicking the highlighted 'send' button.

He slumped back in the chair and covered his face in his sweating hands, wondering what everyone was going to say when they found out that the first time Michael was going to meet the person he would marry is when they were at the alter. He envisioned his mothers reaction and then following that, his fathers. He imagined it slightly more dramatic than it will be (well he hoped he imagined it slightly more dramatic) with tears and screaming and throwing objects around the room and he cringed at the thought. Michael knew the worst one by far was going to be Calum's. Calum was so insanely against the idea of it, he said that it obliterated the traditional love and idea of marriage so to tell your best friend that you will be obliterating it, well Michael wasn't exactly looking forward to it. Packing up and shutting down the computer, Michael decided to sleep as he was going to need to build as much energy as possible for the next few days. As his eyelids fell shut, dreams of handsome boys and wedding bells completely filled his mind.

Once he awoke from his sleep the sun was beaming in through his black-out curtains and immediately the memories from the night before flooded heavily back into his brain. He groaned at the thought of what was to come and covered his squinting eyes in the crook of his elbow. This wasn't something people would take lightly and he still had to think up what to say. It was going to be more work than the show at this rate. Michael forced his body upright so his hands rested behind him, keeping him there, and decided that the best way to do it was casually. If he was casual then other people would be, right? He tiredly leant over to his old, almost broken, bedside table and tugged his phone off the charger. The bar at the top informed him that he had a few unseen emails and he pressed his thumb to the text as it dragged up his email inbox.

In among the spam of coupons for various supermarkets there was an email from the ITV studios. Michael prepared himself and calmed his nerves/excitement before opening it.  
'Dear Michael Clifford,  
We are glad you have accepted and attached you will find all the information for the show, overall preparation will take one year and we don't allow our applicants to tell anybody about their role in this experiment as we would like to capture their friends and families first reactions on camera. Any other questions should hopefully be answered by the information within the document however if not, please ask us and we will do our best to answer, good luck and speak to you soon.  
Yours sincerely,  
The crew at ITV Studios.'  
Michael groaned loudly, now not only did he have to go through a year of testing and experiments, he now had to hide it all.

He carefully studied all the information explaining where he had to be, what time and what he would be doing. There were the technical sides, measuring, name takings etc, the emotional side of things, the questionnaires, meeting with the vicar. Then they shorten it to 15 people (which apparently 1,500 applied and 200 are chosen so Michael was certain he wouldn't get that far) who have to do other tasks like recording their days and talking more in depth about their emotions, past, family life, income. Then they wait to hear if they have a match. Well it was along those lines, Michael stopped paying that much attention as he was almost positive he wouldn't get to the 15 people.

As he was engrossed in his reading and working out how he would get to the first location Calum suddenly leant his elbow on the hard bone of Michael's shoulder and Michael jumped almost comically. He scrambled to lock the phone as Calum watched the panicked boy with amusement and slight confusion.  
“You reading porn or something?” Calum joked with an evident smirk plastered onto his face. Michael's heart was still hammering in his chest at the initial shock as he managed to shove Calum off him, rolling his eyes over-dramatically.  
“No, asshole.” He replied with a hint of a laugh. Calum decided to brush off the subject and wipe it to the side as he introduced a new topic.

“What you doing today Mike?” He asked and Michael looked at him with a puzzled expression.  
“Nothing really, why?” Michael questioned, things beginning to run through his mind. Has he missed something? Oh God, is it Calum's birthday? Wait no, that's on 25th January. Their friendship anniversary? No, that was last month. Is it my birthday?! No, that's not for ages yet. There was nothing.  
“Just because I was maybe wondering if you could, um, drop me off at the cinema later?” Calum asked with uncertainty clear in his voice. It was very clear he was hiding something as his cheeks were dusted with a light pink colour, his gaze averted to his dusty black Vans. Michael realised,  
“Does the legendary fuckboy Calum... have a date?!” He exclaimed in fake, exaggerated surprise which earned him a swift kick to the shin that, unfortunately, Michael was unable to dodge quick enough.  
“Ouch!” Michael complains, pulling his leg up and resting it on the bed. He rubs his hand over the sore area and pouts at Calum who is giving him a very unamused look.

“Can you do it or not?” Calum grumbles angrily, looking like he's desperate to get off and far away from the dating subject. Michael won't let him get away with it that easily.  
“Depends, if you tell me, I might.” Michael teased and Calum sighed, annoyed at his best friend. On the other hand, Michael felt great, he loved having the power, even if it was over a stupid thing like this.  
“Okay, I have a date, can I have a lift please?” Calum whined and Michael smiled and leaned forward. He clasped his hands together, linking his fingers and placed them on his lap.  
“Ah, so mister Calum fuckboy nose-is-bigger-than-my-dick Hood has a date, I see, with whom, may I ask?” Michael joked and Calum fought the urge to swing his fist violently and knock Michael out. He clenched his fist into his palm and focussed on keeping calm as he had just about had enough of Michael's shit.  
“Do you know what, fuck you Michael, I'm trying to be nice and ask you for a lift and you treat me like shit. At least I don't have to apply to some fucking reality show to find someone who'll want to come within 10 miles of me, even then they'll probably leg it at the alter, mister I-pretend-to-be-an-arsehole-because-it-might-detract-from-my-pig-ugly-face Clifford.” Calum shouted as he stormed out of Michael's room and slammed his door.

There was silence in the household and the place felt eerie. As soon as he had gone Michael suddenly felt absolutely awful, the conversation playing out in his head like a bad song. He smacked his head down into his palms, trying not to let Calum's words affect him as once he got upset, that was it. There would be a dark emptiness clawing at the depths of his stomach. A tidal wave of salty water running down his face. On the odd occasion, if he really slipped back into pre-diagnosed days, the thick rose red liquid dribbling down his arm and onto the floor. Michael assured himself it would not get that bad again, even if Calum was picking on his biggest insecurities, it was all out of anger. Nothing else. That's what Michael kept repeating in his head, like a spell, over and over. He clawed at his hair telling himself that he was NOT ugly, no he was not. Calum was wrong. It didn't really work though as Calum was always right and Michael resented that.

Eventually after telling himself he needed to get a grip more times than he had breathed, Michael picked up the courage to step wearily out of his bedroom and up to Calum's door. He paused, not sure if Calum would be ready to talk just yet and Michael wasn't sure how many more of Calum's angry insults he could take. The boy could be so vicious when he wanted to be. He decided he may as well suck it up and get it done with and he lightly tapped three times on his fragile wooded door. A very stuttered, “come in.” was choked out by Calum. Michael took a few steps in, past the door frame and looked up from Calum's battered charcoal carpet. He saw Calum scraping the sleeves of his (actually Michael's) large, fluffy pyjama hoodie desperately against his eyes to clear away tears that had formed. Michael was in shock, Calum hardly ever cried, especially not at stupid arguments they had.

“Cal, what's wrong?” Michael asked as he forgot all about himself and practically ran to the opposite side of the room to sit beside his tearful best friend. Calum felt the bed dip beside him as he shook his head and looked down, tugging and fumbling with his slightly damp sweater paws.  
“'s nothing.” Calum whispered as a few more tears dripped down onto his grey jogging bottoms. He hastily wiped away any more that lingered in his chocolate brown eyes, cursing his stupid over emotional nature.  
“Cal, you don't cry often so it's clear that something is wrong, if it's anything I said-” Michael's soft voice was cut off as Calum began to speak again.  
“It's not you, or the argument, it's just...” Calum's thick accent trailed off and there was a tense atmosphere of unsaid words in the room. They sat there for a few minutes, Michael waiting for Calum to talk as he didn't want to pressure the boy any more than he already had.

After a while Calum did something that he had only ever done twice since Michael had known the older boy. Calum wearily moved over and climbed messily into Michael's warm lap, he curled himself up into a ball and Michael's long arms wrapped around his tense body protectively.  
“Mike?” Calum's voice was muffled by the fact that he had buried his head into Michael's chest. Michael could feel that this was going to be something big and he swallowed before answered.  
“Yeah Cal?” Michael replied, keeping his voice quiet and kind. There was another short patch of silence which Michael put down to Calum thinking.  
“I-I'm bisexual.” Calum confessed as he started to cry again, not as much as before though.

Michael paused and let the new information enter into his head. Once it had he was kind of shocked for many reasons. One being it had taken him so many years of being friends to tell him and Michael felt awful as when he realised he was gay it was horrendous. He couldn't bear to imagine the same thing happening to his best friend when he could have prevented it, noticed the signs. Another was that Calum liked guys, he had always joked with Michael that dick was his thing and his thing only. Michael had always assumed the joke was Calum implying he was straight but apparently not.  
“You know that's okay Calum, I'm the last person you should be worried about telling.” Michael reassured, adding a smile to ease Calum's nerves. Calum shuffled about a bit then sat up in Michael's lap and rested his head on Michael's shoulder, the warm breaths slightly tickling the sensitive skin of Michael's neck.

“I just thought you'd tell me bisexual's are just confused.” Calum admitted, Michael immediately chimed in,  
“You know I hate it when people say that! Why would you think I would do anything less than accept you as you?” Michael exclaimed, genuinely curious as to what was going on in Calum's head.  
“I don't know, I guess I was just scared, you're my best and only friend and I never wanted you to think I was copying you.” Calum whispered and Michael squeezed him into his chest tight. What was Calum thinking?!  
“Calum, I love you okay, you're the best person in my life and I'd be the world's biggest dickhead if I didn't accept you. All this means, is that I get to tell my embarrassing stories of you to a girl or a guy.” Michael joked and Calum let out a breathy laugh at the comment.  
“Yeah well I will get to do the same to your husband soon!” Calum smiled and Michael tried not to tense at the mention of his secret. He knew now is when he had to lie but he hated doing this with a passion, especially as Calum had just revealed a huge secret to him. He knew he had to suck it up for a chance at having his future husband though.

“I told them I wasn't interested anymore, didn't wanna do it.” Calum paused for a minute before he murmured,  
“Yeah, I'm glad, I can't believe you were actually thinking about it to be honest, its such an awful idea and completely ruins the idea of marriage.” and with that Michael's stomach dropped. The guilt rose throughout his body, radiating from every cell, he just about managed to breath out a 'yeah' before he inwardly cringed. Luckily, Calum started to speak again before Michael could get lost in his overwhelming guilt and sadness.  
“What time is it?” Calum asked with a slight panic seeping into his voice as Michael felt him tense up in realisation. Michael looked down at his Casio watch and studied the ticking hands for a second.  
“Ten to twelve, why?” Michael had barely finished his sentence before Calum briskly jumped up and off his lap and straight towards his dark wooden draws on the opposite side of the room.

“Crap, crap, crap, I'm gonna be late for my date, fuck.” Calum muttered as he began toss and throw clothes everywhere and tug on a pair of ripped skinny jeans he found lying on the floor from the previous day.  
“Calum calm down, just get dressed and I'll drop you off.” Michael smiled as he got off Calum's comfy bed and left the room, wandering into his own. He rooted around his messy wardrobe as the guilt still rested in his stomach from the earlier conversation and finally found his only pair of black skinny jeans. He pulled them on, hopping around due to his lack of balance. Studying his merch items at the top of the wardrobe hanging up, he decided on a Blink 182 tshirt as today felt like a Mark Hoppus sort of day.

Once he was dressed he headed into the bathroom, walking past Calum's room on the way. He bit his lip to stop him from laughing as Calum was running from corner to corner with outfits spread all around the small space. Michael shook his head as he walked into the tiny bathroom and immediately reached for the gel. Spreading it around his fingers he spiked and styled his hair until he was happy before heading downstairs to wait for Calum. While he was stood at the bottom of the stairs he began to think about how his daily life was going to change, he was going to pretty much lead two different lives.

It was going to be such a lonely and scary life but he was willing to do it if it meant a chance at having a husband, something Michael had always dreamed of despite his punk image. He wanted the perfect wedding, beautiful suits, traditional church, all his family smiling and crying tears of happiness, the lot. The only thing he wasn't sure on was what song he wanted for his first dance, he had many songs that he could choose. Before he could start planning out his entire future with the nameless face, Calum came barging down the stairs, hitting his shoulder on both the wall and the painted banister while scrambling to get his arms into his jacket. Michael stopped twirling his keys around his finger (a habit he never noticed he was doing that drove Calum up the wall) and helped Calum with his sleeves before he opened the front door and they headed out.


	2. Any. Second. Now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken so long! I was balancing writing with reading These Inconvenient Fireworks haha :) enjoy! P.S *spoiler* TRIGGER WARNING FOR CAR ACCIDENTS!!!!!!

The car roared to life as Michael snapped the key into the hole and concentrated on the mirror that was reflecting his behind view back to him as he reversed. Once he was safely away from anything that he could possibly hit, he turned the car around and began the familiar route to town. Michael began to stress as he always overthought everything when he was driving. His worry disintegrated when Calum pushed the button on the stereo and Green Day flooded into his ears, around the car and leaked out the windows into the cool air. Both he and Calum began to sing it embarrassingly loud as they headbanged to the fast pace guitar solos and Michael tapped out the rhythm.

Unfortunately his mind would not give him a break as when the second Green Day song came on shuffle he began to wonder what sort of music his potential husband would be into. Music was a huge part of Michael's life so he assumed they'd find someone with the same interests, if they could find anyone. He quickly focussed back to Calum as it was dangerous to have those type of thoughts around him. He could tell when Michael was hiding something too easily. Michael turned the music down a little and Calum whined.  
“Dude, that's my favourite Green Day song!” Calum moaned and Michael rolled his eyes (he does that way too much).  
“So, who is this date?” Michael said trying to sound as casual as he could before slamming on the brakes and shouting obscenities at some idiot who broke directly in front of Michael, almost causing a slight crash.

Once Michael had finished cursing he turned to Calum who was clearly hoping he had forgotten his question in the little rage. When it was clear he hadn't Calum reached up to scratch the dusting of hair at the bottom of his hairline as he answered.  
“It's a guy I met at that party the other week, his name is Ashton Irwin.” Calum's voice was low and hushed as he explained who the person was, clearly not used to talking about men in the way he was doing so. Michael's eyebrows rose in slight appreciation and he nodded as Calum finished.  
“Sounds good.” Michael confirmed. An awkward silence then proceeded to fill the car for a few minutes, the dull muffle of the music still in the background and an odd curse occasionally slipping out of Michael's lips when he got frustrated at other drivers.

Calum turned the music back up to the volume it had previously been and slowly began to sing along again once it hit the chorus. Michael hoped him and Calum weren't going to be like this for much longer, the initial awkwardness of talking about boys was understandable as Calum was new to it however too long and Michael was worried it would start to affect their relationship. Michael loved how close they were and even though he knew he was lying to Calum, he didn't need any other extra strains added to them too.

Just with that thought, Michael pulled up to the drop off point at the cinema and parked up. He turned the music down once again and turned to Calum, who had his hand on the door handle, ready to go as he was already late.  
“Text me when you want picking up yeah?” Michael said and Calum nodded in reply.  
“Have fun and remember that it's okay no matter what anybody says.” Michael added fondly and Calum sent Michael a beaming smile.  
“Thank you Michael, seriously I love you dude.” Calum said as he opened the door and Michael's heart throbbed with the sweetness of his best friend. All his earlier thoughts of doubt between him and Calum were completely gone by the time he replied.  
“I love you too, now go, he's going to be wondering where you are!” Calum suddenly snapped back out of his and Michael's cute little conversation and realised how long he had spent talking as he hastily shouted a thanks and ran into the cinema, taking the steps two at a time.

Michael smiled fondly at their friendship as he drove away. He decided he didn't want to listen to Green Day on the way back so he quickly swapped the CD's to an All Time Low album and let the soothing melody of Therapy fill the air. He sang along with Alex's voice as the busy work traffic began to clog the roads and Michael groaned as he stopped at the back of a very long queue. His thoughts quickly returned to the show, as it had been since he got that stupid email. He allowed himself to think about it this time though as he started to built an image of the person in his head.

He pictured a tall guy with, maybe, long curly brown hair and nice dark eyes. He imagined him being a little older with a nice big smile. Maybe a hint of facial hair dusting his chin and above his lip, maybe even full facial hair. He hoped his man would have large lips because he liked that. He wanted him to be pale though, he wasn't much into a tan although if it ended up that way who was Michael to complain?

He smiled at the image and began to think about the first meeting with the show, it was in a 4 days and Michael was so nervous even though really he had no reason to be. All it was going to be was just a 'finding out about you' session although they did state that they may straight away reject some people if it was highly unlikely they would get a match. Michael really hoped he was not one of those people. Before he knew it the traffic started to move again and Michael sighed with relief as he put his foot down. He hadn't noticed that the album had actually finished and there was silence in the car but Michael didn't mind, it just gave him more time to think over what he wanted for his wedding day.

It was when he was about 15 minutes from home that he suddenly came up with a great idea and instead took the road leading to the supermarket. He drove down the rocky path until he reached the large store and pulled in. He drove around the parking spaces slowly as he wanted one as close to the store as possible (he was incredibly lazy) and found one right by the door. Once he had pulled in, he jumped out of the car, pressing the button on his keys that locked the car. The mirrors slowly moved in as Michael entered through the huge automatic doors.

He looked at all the bright signs hung from the ceiling at each isle until he found the arts and crafts section. He never realised there was so much to do with art, there were books, pencils, paints, feathers and various other items lined up along the shelves for as far as Michael's vision would allow. He wandered down the isle, scanning the shelves until he found what he was looking for.  
“Ah, scrapbooks!” Michael whispered to himself as he found what he wanted after searching through (what felt like) every item in the freaking store. Even then, there were still so many variations, ones with coloured pages, ones with photo slots, ones with sections. Then Michael found the perfect one in a sub-section named special occasion books, 'My Perfect Wedding'. Michael picked it up and was quite surprised at how heavy it was. He opened it and looked inside, it had sections, spaces for photos, ideas of what to put in, although Michael had plenty already it was always handy to have a few more.

He decided that was the one and smiled as he went to look for the checkout. He saw it over the other side of the store however there was a huge queue formed at the starting point. Michael looked around to see if there was any way he could avoid it and spotted a small aftershave counter. He figured he may as well see if they can do it rather than stand and wait because, again, Michael was incredibly lazy. He walked up and the cashier suddenly looked up from whatever paperwork she was doing and smiled. Her bright red lipstick was striking and her voice sickly sweet.

“Hello, is there anything I could help you with sir?” and Michael smiled.  
“I was wondering if you could scan this I mean, I have to be somewhere soon and the queue is really long.” Michael lied and the woman thought for a minute before she answered.  
“I'm not supposed to but okay, lets see if we have it on this system.” She said as Michael placed the book down on the space in front of her. She raised her eyebrows.  
“Ooh, wedding hey, who's the lucky girl?” She giggled and Michael cringed, he was proud to be the way he was but for some reason other people sometimes weren't as relaxed on the subject, he decided to say it anyway.  
“Oh, it's um, it's a guy.” He corrected, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. Her face changed dramatically as she shoved the book back into Michael's hands.  
“I'm sorry, you're going to have to pay through the regular tills like everyone else.” She said coldly and that angered Michael although he desperately tried not to show it as he wasn't really a huge fan of public conflict. It was clear she did not approve of Michael's sexuality and therefore Michael did not want to be around her for any longer than necessary.  
“You didn't even scan my book but okay, I'm sorry.” Michael murmured with enough sarcasm that it would be recognised but not enough to make it rude as he took the book and walked away. Leaving her and her sour face behind.

If there was one thing Michael hated it was homophobes, why bash on other peoples happiness, what harm are they doing to you? Michael shook it away before joining the, slightly smaller, queue but once again he had another idea as he turned to his left and saw magazines. He left his spot and walked over to them excitedly, unfortunately most of them were for women however he picked up a few about the cakes, the suits, the venues and a few more generalised ones. Finally he was certain he had all that he needed and in that time the queue had gone and he walked up to the self service checkouts, hoping to avoid the cashier after his incident.

It really was not Michael's day though as the only two they had both had pieces of paper taped on to them. The words 'out of service' scrawled onto them in marker pen. Michael sighed and walked up to the least homophobic looking person and placed the magazines and book down. The guy looked at him with wide eyes and Michael prepared himself for what he knew was coming yet again.  
“Who's the girl then hey?” There it was. Michael decided that it couldn't hurt to test the store again on their supposed 'customer service' in his reply.  
“It's, um, it will be a guy.” He cursed himself for being so damn nervous saying it. He looked up to capture the guys reaction and his face didn't change.  
“Oh, sorry, I shouldn't have assumed. Got anyone in mind or just planning?” He asked in a curious and happy tone and Michael smiled, he loved it when he met kind people.  
“Just planning at the minute.” Michael answered as the guy finished scanning the last magazine.  
“That will be £11.86 please, good luck with it, I hope you find your husband!” He said cheerily as Michael handed him the money, telling him to keep the change and quickly checked his name. He smiled as he walked away, stopping to pick up a customer review leaflet.

Once he got into the car and placed his bag on the seat he scribbled down the guys name on the back so he wouldn't forget later. Starting up the car he felt in such a great mood despite all the events that had already happened. He quickly put on some Years and Years, a band that he only could really get into if he was in a good mood, and started to sing along loudly. By the time the 3rd song was on he was already pulling up on the driveway. Humming the song he had just been listening to, he got out of the car and inside the warmth of the house. Immediately, he headed for the front room and emptied his bag onto the floor, the contents spilling out messily.

He wanted to get all his initial ideas into it before Calum wanted picking up from his date. He quickly remembered to get the scissors, glue, pens and pencils and any other craft-like things he may need from the kitchen counter and draws before he sat in the middle of the carpet like a child at Christmas. Every piece of equipment you could think of was lay in front of Michael and he didn't even know where to start.

Grabbing the scrapbook, he looked through the sections until finally he picked to do venues. There were quite a few pages, probably to put various different types of venues in, however Michael was sure on what type of venue he wanted. He knew that he wouldn't have much of a say in the ending venue however he still wanted to be firm on the parts he could control. He picked up the first magazine and began to scan the pages, the first few pictures were no good however when Michael turned the page he was greeted with the most stunning picture of a church in Quezon City. He gasped and even though he knew it was never possible to go there he carefully cut around it and stuck it into the book and smiled. It was so beautiful, there was an arch just above the doorway with a flower petal like design made in stain glass coating it. Above that was a circular window that was in the middle of the building. Two smaller extensions were built at either side of the arch, both with a huge, colourful stained glass windows almost covering the front. Michael loved it so much.

He continued on looking at churches from all around the world. He found another gorgeous one that he adored a little further on. It was surrounded by stunning clear blue waters with grass areas either side. The church itself was huge and had buildings, lights and fountains everywhere and there was so much to look at but Michael loved the business of it. He thought it made the scenery look even more incredible. He kept going like that for a while until one page of the venue section had been completely filled with layered images.

Michael leaned back to admire his work and he loved every single photograph he had placed onto the page. He grabbed a silver pen and began to write in a swirly font he had learnt to do a few years back. He wrote the things he wanted at his venue in between the pictures, 'bridge photographs' and 'stained glass windows'. He continued to put a few more on until the page looked good however just as he was finishing the last letter his phone beeped from the other side of the room. Finishing off the word, he went over to check and it was Calum asking if he could pick him up. Michael speedily typed out a reply and made sure it sent before packing everything up and carrying it up the stairs.

When he got to his room he thought for a minute about where he could put it all before remembering that he had a box of Kerrang! magazines he didn't need anymore. He found the slightly battered and torn box buried in his wardrobe under a mountain of unwashed clothes and underwear and dumped all the magazines onto his bed. He laid the magazines and scrapbook into the box and shoved it back where it came from. He didn't want to leave Calum waiting for too long so he left the Kerrang! magazines on his bed to clear up later. He grabbed a jacket from the washed pile as it had gotten considerably colder outside and slipped it on as he shut the door hastily behind him.

He swerved low to avoid hitting his head and got in the car for what felt like the millionth time and the CD picked up where it had left off. Michael smiled (it was NOT because he fancied Olly Alexander at all... nope...) and bopped his head along to the beat. He put his foot down as he approached the main roads, not wanting to break any laws. He began to pick through the pictures and features of the venues he had been looking at and made a list in his brain of the suitable ones when a loud crash sound was heard. Michael jumped in his seat as his eyes went wide with terror and his body was thrown a whole manor of different ways. His hands began to shake with fear as the car swerved back onto the road after being temporarily knocked off however nobody else around him seemed to just carry on.

Michael looked over to the opposite side of the car and could clearly see a huge indent in the side. He started to majorly panic as a strong attack began to grip Michael's body and his lungs felt excruciatingly tight. He told himself to hold on, it was only two minutes to the cinema. He could do it. The panic was rapidly closing in on him, overtaking him. Michael gasped loudly for air as he pulled in. He was certain everything was going to black out. Any. Second. Now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter, hopefully another one will be up sooner than it took for this one! My twitter is @cutierobandrich and Tumblr is cutierobandrich, thank you for any feedback!


	3. Numb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is short! still hope you enjoy it!

(DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT KNOW IF THIS IS HOW YOU HANDLE THIS, ANY MEDICAL PARTS OF THIS STORY ARE PURELY FICTIONAL AND NOT TO BE RELIED ON SHOULD THIS SORT OF UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCE HAPPEN TO YOU.)

Michael parked up quickly and just about managed to crawl out of the car. Calum, and a person Michael had never recognised, spotted him and ran over to him, bending down to where Michael was crouched on the floor.  
“Michael, Mike what's going on, what happened?” Calum rushed and Michael looked up, his eyes red and his breath uneven.  
“Panic attack, right.” Calum murmured to himself, trying to remember what to do. The guy chimed in,  
“What's wrong with him?” and Calum quickly replied telling the guy it was one of Michael's severe panic attacks.  
“Michael, Michael, need you to sit up for me bud, c'mon, sit up.” Calum said calmly and Michael sat up straight, tears streaming down his face, breath almost dying out. Calum sat directly in front of Michael and looked him in the eye.

“We're going to count in a minute okay, but remember don't fight it alright Mike, I've got you if you pass out yeah?” Calum recited. Michael vary rarely had them bad, never like this, but Calum knew from a couple of incidents what he would have to do in this situation.  
“Count with me Mike.” Calum said as he smoothly counted to six while breathing in as Michael copied his breaths. They held the breath in for two and slowly released it for another six counts. Michael had a lot of difficulty at first, quickly abandoning the counts to take large pants but Calum would just calmly coax him back into the pattern. This continued for a while as the boys received strange looks from passers by however none of them bat an eyelid as Michael was all their eyes were focussed on.

Insuring Michael could breathe properly, Calum stopped the rhythm and Michael opened his glassy, unfocussed eyes.  
“Tell me what happened Michael.” Calum said in a sweet voice and Michael carried on counting in his head as he breathed.  
“I was driving down the road and... a-and I heard a crash... and I-I looked to the side of the car and...” Michael kept rushing parts of his sentences out before pausing to catch his breath and let a few tears slip out until he couldn't continue. Calum rubbed his arm and muttered 'it's okay' thousands of times. Calum turned to Ashton and asked him to go and look at the other side of the car. Ashton smiled at Calum and quickly replied 'of course' before looking at Michael again and walking over. Michael was still trying to remember what breathing was and how the hell to do it when Ashton's reaction to the damage was clearly expressed.

“Holy shit!” Ashton shouted as his eyes scanned the dent. Calum assured Michael he'd be right back before running over to where Ashton was stood and saying exactly the same words that had just left Ashton's mouth. There was a huge indent in the front passenger door and a lot of scratches and marks around it. The paint had almost completely gone and Calum was sure that if the driver had hit any harder the door would not have survived and probably neither would Michael. It was easy to tell a very strong force had hit the vehicle and probably given Michael a hell of a scare too. Calum walked back over to Michael and saw he was sobbing hysterically now, unable to stop the shaking of his limbs and the loud sobs that escaped his throat. Calum plonked down on the pavement next to Michael and started to rub his back as Ashton knelt down to the pair.

“What do we do? I mean is this a police issue or what? Where do we go? Who do we tell?” Calum rushed to Ashton who was managing to stay completely collected as the scene played out in front of him. All of a sudden Michael looked up and gripped tightly onto Calum's shirt. Calum completely panicked and Michael began to rush out his words, feeling an overwhelming sensation washing over him at the lack of air.  
“Calum, can't see, gonna pass out, Calum, please, help, I've gone numb.” Michael said as he cried and Calum calmed a bit because he knew if Michael passed out he could catch his breath a bit. He pulled Michael onto his lap carefully, their limbs tangling but eventually settling to a comfortable position. Calum held Michael's head over his shoulder just in case he was going to vomit which he had done in he past episodes. He did. All down Calum's back. Right next to his ear, Calum could hear the awful gagging noises and he felt the warm sludge dribbling down through the fabric of his shirt. Calum didn't even flinch as he rubbed Michael back through the violent pulses of sickness until the boy finally passed out and flopped into Calum's waiting arms as a dead weight.

The tanned boy let out a sigh as a few tears dripped down his cheeks. He hated seeing his best friend in such a state. That paired with the fact that he had no fucking idea of what do to made Calum want to break down, but he had to be strong for Michael. Ashton bent down to brush the tears away gently with his thumb and Calum smiled sadly at him, his eyes watery and smile trembling.  
“You can go home if you want to, I'm sure someone around here knows what to do.” Calum said as he kept checking Michael hadn't woken up and Ashton violently shook his head, his curls bouncing with the movement.  
“No, I'm gonna go inside and get help, you wait here with Michael.” He said softly and brushed Calum's hair away from his sweating forehead before heading back to the building to go and find someone.

Calum gently manoeuvred Michael so he lay on his side on the floor however Calum still supported his head while trying to frantically think of something he could use as a pillow. He went to take off his shirt but then remembered the cold, wet vomit drying all down the back of it and decided to just hold his head instead. Before he could think of anything else, he spotted a woman in all black running down to where he and Michael were with Ashton and a few blankets and other items. The woman immediately folded the blanket and placed it under Michael's head as Calum drew his hand out of the way. Calum then helped her cover Michael's body in another as she placed some water and a plastic bag beside him. The girl looked up at Calum.

“I would suggest calling an ambulance and even though they might not send someone out, they can tell you what to do, also keep an eye on his pulse.” She said as Ashton got his phone out and began dialling, Calum reached out and captured Michael's wrist, finding the slow bump of the vein under his thumb. Luckily at the minute it was beating at a steady rate and Calum remembered back to the last time he had done this and how Michael's pulse had been then. Much to Calum's anger, he couldn't for the life of him remember. He began listening to Ashton on the phone.

“My, um, friend has just been in a car accident and he had a panic attack.” Ashton explained and there was a pause before Ashton spoke again.  
“No, he is unconscious.” That phrase seemed to rush the voice on the other end up. Calum had been counting the seconds between Michael's pulse and so far they had been fine until this one took a little longer, not much, just a short pause. And the next one. And the next. Calum began shouting to Ashton as things were happening.  
“Ashton, Ashton, his pulse is slowing down help, I don't know what to do.” Calum shouted as Ashton urgently moved next to where Michael was lay.

“His pulse is slowing, what do we do?” Ashton asked and the person on the other end explained what to do. Beat by beat Michael's pulse was slowing and Calum was near sobbing at this point, this wasn't how hw wanted to lose his best friend. Calum waited for the next beat. And waited. It never came. Before he knew it Ashton was shouting 'HIS PULSE HAS STOPPED' down the phone and the person was instructing Ashton on what to do. Suddenly Ashton threw down the phone that he'd put on speaker and rolled Michael's body over.

He tugged on Michael's chin, causing it to drop down, and pinched Michael's nose as he took a breath and pressed his mouth to Michael's. There was still vomit coating his mouth so it really wasn't pleasant. He breathed four even breaths into Michael's mouth before pulling back and using both hands to press down on Michael's chest rhythmically. He repeated that until finally, Michael's pulse began to kick back in. Calum let out the biggest sigh of relief and cried into Michael's chest as Ashton picked up the phone and finally, after a few more replies, ended the call.

“The ambulance will be here in a few minutes.” Ashton informed and Calum pulled Ashton in for a huge, tight gripped hug.  
“Y-You saved his life Ash, y-you actually saved my b-best friend's life.” He whispered and Ashton just rubbed a hand along Calum's back and told him that it was okay. They stayed like that for a while until they were pulled apart by the roaring sound of the ambulance sirens as they parked next to the path where Michael was lay. People in florescent yellow jackets came piling out of the vehicle, scrambling to bend over Michael's body.

Calum moved away from the scene and over to Ashton who pulled him into his side as Calum let a few tears escape. They manoeuvred Michael onto a stretcher and carried his limp body into the ambulance, placing him on the platform in the middle of the van. Ashton and Calum sat on his left side, one of the paramedic men on the right. The doors were slid shut and the ambulance began moving as soon as they could, the vehicle speeding away from the cinema and onto the motorway. Calum turned to look up at Ashton as he planned to say something however when he saw the side profile of Ashton's face every word he could say floated out of his reach.

Ashton's curls were framing his sharp cut jawline, his hazel eyes glittered with the reflection of the lights as the ambulance sped down the road, even his lips looked stunning as Ashton took the left side of his bottom lip between his teeth. He suddenly remembered why they were here and looked back to Michael, assuming he was never going to remember what he was about to say anyway. The boy looked peaceful although a few tear track marks still littered his face. The dark red around his eyes were the only indication that anything was wrong with him and Calum took a minute to appreciate Michael as the fact that he almost lost him still stuck presently in Calum's mind.

It shocked Calum when Ashton's deep Australian voice filled the air around him.  
“How are you feeling Cal?” Ashton asked him in a hushed whisper and Calum looked at Michael for a while, trying to put the emotions he was feeling into understandable sentences but all that he could come up with was one word.  
“Numb.” He said. The word had no substance, gave no emotion, it just seemed to linger between him and Ashton giving an unreadable atmosphere. Instead of giving an audible reply, Ashton placed one of his large hands over Calum's and squeezed it.

Just as they both turned to each other and smiled in a mutual agreement of 'it's okay' the ambulance jolted to a stop and the mayhem started up again. From the moment they dragged Michael into the building Calum felt a strange sense of nothingness, like he was on pause but the world wasn't. As he and Ashton followed Michael through the endless halls and corridors, Calum thought back on the events of the day and god damn did he hope that it would all be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this is short and took a bit of time to post, I had so many ideas and I'm still tying to figure out which to plan to put in and which to just go with! I hope you enjoy as always!  
> Twitter- @cutierobandrich  
> Tumblr- cutierobandrich  
> or comment below!
> 
> L xxx


	4. Hell Yeah, I Can Do This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this chapter and hope you guys do too! Enjoy :)
> 
> Twitter- @cutierobandrich  
> Tumblr- cutierobandrich

Michael's eyes blinked open and immediately he felt like he was in another world all he could see were the blinding white, well, the blinding white everything. He blinked his eyes a few times to make sure they had adjusted to his intense settings. He looked to his left and saw Calum carelessly draped over the chair asleep, his limbs dangling from each arm. The beams of sunlight showed Calum's face clearly and Michael could see that the boy was exhausted, he was a lot paler than usual, the standard red tinge of his cheeks gone and his eyes had been rubbed red raw. With a sympathetic thought, he turned to his right and saw a curly haired boy scrunched on the bed, he was a lot bigger than the space so his stick legs were drawn up towards his chiselled and defined chest. He too looked absolutely shattered.

Michael reached down and pressed the finger-sized red button to notify a nurse that he was awake as silently as possible and when she arrived he pressed his finger to his lips to gesture for her to be quiet. She entered the room and whispered quietly.  
“What do you need, Michael?” She smiled at him sweetly, her body leaning on the doorframe to his room.  
“What happened, how long have I been here?” He asked and she explained his situation briefly. Michael's eyes widened as the parts unfolded in his memory, all of a sudden he remembered the date with ITV.  
“How long have I been in here?” Michael whispered urgently and the nurse seemed a little taken back by his hurried nature so soon after he had woken up.  
“4 days, why? Is there somewhere you need to be?” The nurse asked with a frown etched on her face.  
“I have somewhere to go, I need to leave like now.” Michael said as he scrambled out of the bed.

The nurse began to say that she advised he stay until the doctor had given him a check over but Michael was already changing out of the disgusting hospital gown. Michael didn't consider himself a 'typical' gay however he did have at least some fashion pride, thank you very much. Eventually the nurse left the room with a sigh realising that Michael was never going to pay attention to her pestering. Not that Michael noticed as he was not only trying to be as quiet as possible, but also get out of the room as fast as possible. Michael began to pile the clothes that had spilled out onto the floor into the black Nike bag and once he had grabbed as much of it as he could he zipped it up. It was when he hauled the bag over his shoulder that he felt the guilt cloud his brain for leaving his best friend without any word as to where he was going or why. Maybe he'd tell the nurse to send them home once he had left.

He almost sprinted down the dreary corridors as he did a quick time check, he had about 2 hours. From what information he had gathered from the nurse, he worked out that if he took the train it would take him about 1 and a half hours then he would have about half an hour to get to the place. It was going to be tight but it was too late to back out now and plus, the excitement rushing through his veins and into his bloodstream kept him moving all the way to the train station next to the hospital.

He dropped his bag next to the rickety, rusty machine and fiddled with the buttons as fast as he could manage. Any time the machine was processing a part of his transaction Michael would either tap his fingers nervously on the cool metal or keep checking his platform number and time. He felt like he was on the run, and probably looked like he was too, as his head was frantically twitching towards the steps every few minutes. Finally the damn thing spit his ticket into his awaiting hand and he sprinted to the platform the train was due to arrive at.

Once he squeezed in between the clusters of people, the train rolled up and he was sprinting to get to a seat however just as he stepped onto the floor of the train he heard a scream of his name. Everyone around him rushed past his slim figure however he stopped as he turned to find out who the voice belonged to. His eyes immediately focussed on him. Calum. The boy looked even worse from a far distance and Michael wished he could just run up and hug him. Calum's mouth opened but closed again as Ashton put a hand on Calum's shoulder and looked at Michael disapprovingly. Calum looked hurt but before Michael could do anything the doors were closing directly in front of him, cutting him off from the pair. He stared for a while as the train moved away, watching the tw boys turn into dots left behind.

Michael turned back around and sadly began looking for a seat. He found a spare one at the very end of the carriage and slumped down onto it. He rubbed his eyes to stop the few tears that had gathered from escaping. The worst part was Calum's eyes, the chocolate brown seemed to be infused with confusion, sadness, anger and hurt. Most of all though, right there in the pupil, was betrayal. He had ditched Calum even after he had pretty much saved his life, how low was that?

Michael curled up on the seat and prayed to God that all this lying and running was worth it. To be honest, he needed this husband right now. He sighed and let the tiredness overcome his body, not bothering to put up any sort of a fight.

Michael's eyes opened and came back to reality just as the train was coming to a halt and he thanked his brain for that. The people began to pour out of the automatic doors and Michael cursed that he was one of the last. He immediately spotted a map in a weatherproof frame that was hung on the platform wall and headed straight for it, maybe accidentally shoving a few people in his desperation. Skimming over the words and signals Michael spotted the location in the bottom corner right next to the arrow marked 'you are here'. He thanked the world and all things good in it that it was just down the street and he swerved through the slow moving people down the path.

His bag was hitting the backs of his legs and bouncing off as he ran through the city, briefly taking in how beautiful the day was as he went. The sky almost looked like an extension on the ocean with the blue tones mixed fluidly over the buildings, the clouds were barely a spray in the sky and the sun cast a gorgeous glow over the place. Michael could now spot the top of the building peeking up from in amongst the rest and went straight for it. Judging by his calculations he should just turn this corner and the building should be there. As he passed an old, almost Victorian, building he found he was correct.

He stopped for a minute outside as his breath began to return to him, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his iPhone, he had 20 minutes to spare. He typed in the pin and began to snap a few pictures of the building for his scrap book, making sure it was positioned so the ITV sign was clearly visable. As the pictures made their way into Michael's gallery, Michael's smile was beaming and he was insanely excited as he quickly pocketed his phone again. He pushed open the large modern glass doors and shyly walked up to the desk.

“Hello sir, how can I help you?” The man at the desk said relatively cheerily considering what time it was.  
“Hello, I'm here for an interview for a TV show.” Michael stuttered out as he remembered each word they had emailed him to say at the desk.  
“Ahh right, let me have a look for you.” The man winked, clearly having had a few other applicants in already. That made Michael smile even bigger at the fact that his potential soulmate was going to be in this exact building at some point.  
“Name?” The guy asked and Michael came out of his little world to answer. There was more rushed typing and moments of silence before the man finally gave him some orders.  
“Please wait in the seat over there, someone will call your name when they are ready.” The guy gestured over to a seat next to a white door and Michael walked over to it. Sitting down he realised that any person who wandered through that door could potentially be in the show, therefore his possible husband.

The nervousness of human interaction with someone he didn't know suddenly kicked in as Michael fumbled with his hands while looking around the space to keep busy. The walls were clean white which made the light fill the space and everything looked so new and modern. The carpet was a bright blue and the desk a sleek wooden mixed with metal frame. Michael felt a little out of place, every person that walked past him was dressed in a smart suit or a posh dress whereas Michael was dressed extremely punk today. He had black skinny jeans ripped at the knees (which he then realised were Calum's and he bit his lip to fight any oncoming tears away), a massively oversized Iron Maiden tshirt and his tatty black (well, now a greeny-grey) converse. Michael also had his eyebrow piercing and his dyed black hair that was sticking up in all different directions as he only styled it half heartedly on the train earlier. He wasn't exactly a prime example of smart. Before he could consider running to the nearest store and buying the least expensive suit, the door next to his seat opened as a woman stood at the entrance.

She caught Michael's gaze and turned to him as currently he was the only one in the reception. Her eyes glanced at the clipboard she grasped and she said his name in a questioning tone. Michael was too nervous to do anything but nod as she pushed the door back and allowed him into a small office-like room. He whispered a 'thank you' however it seemed to go unnoticed as both Michael and the woman sat in their seats.

“So, I am Michelle and I am the manager for all the applicants of the show. Your name is Michael Gordon Clifford?” Michelle asked, her voice reaching a higher level towards the end of the question. Michael cringed as he hated his middle name with a burning, fiery passion however he nodded along despite his feelings.  
“You are 19 years old, male, gay, and an only child?” She asked all at once and Michael was overwhelmed with the amount of questions she had thrown his way. He just managed to keep up enough to confirm that all of those statements were, in fact, true. Michelle put down her scattered sheets of paper and looked at Michael. He began to pray that his anxiety would not present itself as she stared at him.

“Why would you like to be on this show?” She asked and even though she probably had said that exact phrase to many other people, Michael felt like she was confused as to why he had actually come here.  
“To find the love of my life, I mean, um, I have been looking for a, um, a while now and I'm a hopeless romantic so I just want to find somebody.” Michael stuttered a couple of times but overall he was fairly happy with that answer as he had expected to just collapse by now. He noticed that she was nodding along, looking interested. That can only be a good sign right?

“That's very sweet Michael, so what would you look for in a husband? What type of person do you see yourself with?” Michelle smiled and Michael could tell that these were the questions that he had to answer well as this would probably determine whether he was going to find a match (along with all the questions he had answer on the application.  
“Well I would look for someone who is very loving, enjoys a lot of romance and affection. I would also like someone who will love me no matter what because I don't want the guy to ditch me just because I dyed my hair a new colour or got a new tattoo. In terms of who I picture myself with, I mean, I guess, I see myself with like a tall guy, not too much muscle but I tend to see their personality in my thoughts rather than their looks. Like, I hear their laugh or I wonder what music they'll like. If that makes any sense?” Michael finished off his answer hoping that it wasn't too long however it still gave the right amount of information. If Michael was really going to do this, he was going to do it properly or not at all.

Michelle seemed very impressed with Michael's answer as as soon as he had finished she was quick to speak again.  
“Very mature answer for someone your age Michael, I like it. So, what would you say their laugh would sound like or their music taste would be?” She urged, getting Michael to elaborate.  
“Well I hope they have a sweet laugh, like one that you would just think 'oh my god that so adorable' you know? With their music taste it's a bit more complicated as I have such a broad taste and music is such a big part of my life that it's hard to say, I want him to like this. I guess as long he was into music and bands in general we would be okay, if I had to specify I would probably say pop punk or rock genre would be nice, just so we could share that love of guitars and drum solos.” Michael explained and Michelle began to sketch snippets of Michael's sentences onto the paper in front of her.

The conversation after that was just Michelle asking what he meant when he said this or could you specify further. Michael couldn't actually believe it when she finally said that she had enough notes to go with as the two hours had just whizzed straight by Michael. He smiled as he left the room, confident with everything he had said and the way she reacted to his answers, even if some of the were hella cheesy! The whole experience of the interview was surprisingly very positive considering Michael didn't pass out the moment her eyes met his and actually left Michael with a feeling of, I can do this!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Great for Mike, not so great for Cal and Ash! I hoped you liked this chapter as much as I do and I know I keep saying but I will try to get them written and uploaded quicker although I will be on holiday for a bit so bear with! As always, that you so much for taking the time to read my fic, I really appreciate it! Feedback is very much welcome :)  
> Twitter- @cutierobandrich  
> Tumblr- cutierobandrich
> 
> L xx


	5. My Name Is Alex, By The Way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very triggering and involves a lot of self harm, please always keep that in mind.

The soft sound of trains on tracks was very tempting to fall asleep to however Michael couldn't as he was almost home. He pulled his phone out and sighed, exasperated at the fact that in the top right hand corner it said 12% although it was actually his own fault. After the interview he had decided to go shopping for a bit around London and although it was a great day, one of the best in Michael's boring existence actually, he had not noticed or kept track of the time, so here he was, sitting on the 9 o'clock train with 12% battery. Whoop. Luckily he had hurriedly bought a ticket that allowed him to stop relatively near to his home which only meant a 20-30 minute walk back however it was what was waiting for him when he got back that he dreaded the most. He knew Calum was going to ask questions and shout a lot and give one of his father-like talks and usually Michael could brush them off but Michael was awful at lying and he already felt like the worst person alive as it was.

“Fuck my life.” He groaned tiredly to himself and a couple of people turned around to look at him. He ignored all of their judging glares in favour of self pity however he had to turn when somebody started tapping lightly on his arm. He opened his eyes and turned to look at the person and it turns out it was a boy, about his age from what Michael could tell, with straight brown hair similar to Michael's colour before he dyed it. Michael soon realised as he studied the boy that damn, he was attractive. No. He needed to stop that and right now, no dating while you're on the show, he reminded himself.

While Michael had been having this argument with himself the boy had begun to talk and Michael realised that he had not caught a word the beautiful boy had said.  
“Sorry could you repeat that, I was in my own little world.” Michael added a slight breathy laugh to make it seem like he wasn't absolutely insane and the boy smiled.  
“I just heard you talking to yourself saying that your life was fucked and well I wondered if you were okay.” The boy said shyly and holy shit if that wasn't the cutest and hottest thing Michael had ever heard in his life.

Michael considered his response to the boys question, he had a few options to reply with.  
One, “Oh everything is great, but thanks for asking!”  
Two, “Just a bad day but it will be fine.”  
or  
Three, “Basically right now life freaking sucks and wow you're cute but I can't have you so life just got worse to be honest.”  
Michael could clearly tell which option would be best in this scenario however he was worried number three may just slip out in the process which would just mean Michael would have to change his name to Ricky and move to Siberia to forget that this ever happened.

“Yeah just um, bit rough at the minute you know?” God that sounded way better in Michael's head because he's pretty sure he just sounded like the lamest person alive. Oh thank the lord the cute boy was nodding along and frowning at Michael and wow he was going to throw himself off a bridge any minute now.  
“Well that sucks, I guess all I can say is that you need to keep going and do what you believe is right. I never mentioned but my name is Alex by the way.” The boy smiled and held out a hand to shake and Michael took it, smiling just as wide as their hands connected.  
“Thanks, that's great advice! And 'm Michael.” Michael mumbled nervously but Alex seemed to think it was sweet as he replied.  
“Nice, well this is my stop but I can give you my number if you, you know, wanna talk again at some point?” Alex said and Michael knew he should politely decline or lie and say he's with someone however he couldn't stop himself.  
“This is actually my stop too, um and yeah that would be nice.” Michael cringed at the awkwardness in his voice however Alex thankfully didn't notice as he began to sketch his number on a napkin using a pen from god knows where.  
“Here!” Alex said and he handed the flimsy tissue to Michael as they exited off the train.  
“Thank you, I'll text you later?” Michael said in a questioning tone as the boys parted ways and Alex shouted a rushed yeah as he ran off into the night, swallowed up by the crowds.

Michael stood for a couple of seconds processing what had just happened before people started to moan at him to get out of the way. His brain and feet finally caught up with each other as Michael headed back in the direction of his house, muttering apologies as he went. Once he was finally into the quieter roads he could actually realise what he had done and he knew he was absolutely fucked. He wandered down the dark streets, the street lights occasionally casting a glow on where he was stepping. He knew that this was the time his mind would start to get bored and think up stupid things but he didn't bother to stop it. Michael knew that he had to start thinking about what to say to Calum but he was just too tired, hopefully Calum would be too. Even though he knew he wouldn't get that lucky, he still liked to entertain the thought that tonight would go smoothly, all he had to do was say he was sorry and that they would talk about it tomorrow right?

Michael sighed as he approached his street and mentally prepared himself for the shitstorm that was coming his way. Maybe he could just sleep somewhere else tonight, come back in the morning? Michael shook his head, he had to face this, he couldn't do this to Calum. It was all already so wrong, he didn't need to make it any worse. He arrived at the door and quietly put his key into the lock, hoping Calum would be asleep or Michael could sneak in and upstairs without anyone noticing. That didn't work.

As soon as Michael had shut the door behind him, Calum and Ashton emerged from the lounge and Michael's heart tore in two. Calum had very obviously been crying, his eyes were watery and he was sniffling a lot, he also had a tissue clutched in his hand that had been torn up and Ashton had him cuddled into his side, the anger and hurt present on his face by the deep scowl he was sending Michael.  
“Where the fuck have you been?” Calum shouted unexpectedly and Ashton pulled him in tighter as Michael jumped, startled at the harshness of Calum's voice.  
“I-I'm sorry, I-I just needed to get away, I-I went to L-London for a bit, I know i-it was wrong to leave without t-telling you but I just,” Michael trailed off sadly and squeezed his eyes shut, willing his voice not to crack.

“You just what Michael, because I have been going crazy wondering where the fuck you were and why you left and told nobody. Do you realise how ungrateful you are?! Ashton saved your fucking life and he hasn't even had a thank you. We stuck by you, cared for you every day and you go running off to London without even waking us up?” Calum was screaming now as tears were pouring out of his deep eyes and Ashton was desperately trying to calm him but it just wasn't working. All Michael could do was stay rooted to the spot.  
“I'm really sorry and I'm so so thankful for both you and Ashton, unbelievably so. I know I don't deserve you as a friend Calum and-” Before he could continue, Calum was cutting him off.  
“Oh poor me, poor Michael, I don't deserve you, pity me please.” Calum mocked sarcastically and Michael knew he'd made a mistake saying that.

“If you want to pity yourself Michael, why don't you do it like you used to? Go relapse and do us all a fucking favour, yeah? Think about it Michael, it felt real good huh? I wish you'd died in that accident, because that's it, I'm done with you.” Calum spat until Michael was a shaking mess. The moment Calum turned, Michael was sprinting up the stairs, taking as many as he could with each step, and into the bathroom as he clicked the lock shut and slid down against the wooden door. Too much. Too many feelings. Too many bad memories. They were all plaguing his thoughts. Littering his brain.

He knew that he was going to do it so he didn't even bother trying to fight the instinct to yank open the cupboard and pull a new razor out. He didn't register the fact he was slamming it forcefully against the sink until the plastic broke and sent one of the sharp edges straight into his finger. He flinched as the tears were making his vision blurry and pulled it out, watching the wound pour and pour with blood. His hands were shaking with need as he dropped the rest of the blades into the sink and held one. Michael inspected the cool metal for a second, he knew this blade was going to be insanely sharp as it was new, not that Michael cared. He took a deep breath before pressing it down and fuck, there it was, that euphoric pain. He missed it so much. He grinned before slashing angrily at his wrists, not caring where or how deep he cut. The blood was pouring out in such amounts that he couldn't tell where it had come from. God he had missed this.

Suddenly wave after wave of flashbacks came pelting into his mind. Images from when he was doing the exact same thing at 15, punishing himself for not knowing his direction in life or who he was. Calum's words echoing over the pictures like he was in some sort of movie and all Michael could do was scream. Scream at life. Scream at Calum. Scream at everything. He threw the blade at the wall next to him in a rage as started tearing at his hair. Clumps of black strands started to fall into his hands as he pulled and tugged harder. His screams were cracking with the raw emotions and pain and Michael was sure that this was the end.

He had already started to profusely apologise to whoever his husband may have been in his mind as he really genuinely felt like this time there was going to be no Ashton to save him. Calum deserved it though, he deserved a Michael-free life, deserved happiness without having to put up with Michael. Somewhere his brain registered that there was some activity and he tuned in to the noise around him. From what he could hear Calum and Ashton had finally made their way upstairs and were screaming for Michael.

“Michael, please open the door.”  
“Michael please we didn't mean it.”  
“Please don't be dead, you can't be dead.”  
“Mike, I love you please just let us in.”  
They're lying, Michael was convinced they were lying. He was in the wrong, they were mad at him. He deserves to be dead. He was rocking now, as he shook.

“Michael open this door right this second.” Ashton threatened as he led Calum back ready to attempt to bash the door in. The lock clicked undone and the door swung open before he could though. Michael stood there with arms pouring and his body trembling until he walked past Ashton and up to Calum.  
“Michael, p-please you're really scaring me.” Calum stuttered and he was absolutely terrified of the state his best friend was in. Michael fell into Calum and he began to cry.  
“Calum, help me.” Michael pleaded and Calum moved to the floor with Michael, sitting on the landing at the top of the stairs.  
“It's okay, we're gonna get you help buddy, just hold on.” Ashton reassured as he patted Michael's shoulder and bent down. Calum was still frozen with fear and this made Michael even more upset.

“Calum, I never meant to scare you I'm so sorry, I'm not mad I-I swear I'm just sad because nobody loves me, nobody ever will and I-I just I mess up all the time but Calum, I-I'm so so scared of the world. I'm so scared of dying and of living and I can't deal with it Calum, it's driving me insane.” Michael confessed and it was then that Calum knew, he wasn't looking at an ungrateful boy, he was looking at a broken one.  
“Come here Michael, 's okay.” Calum pulled Michael into his arms and he apologised over and over as he sobbed and sobbed.  
“Shh Mike, you listen to me, we're gonna get you help okay, and I love you more than anything in this world, I would never let you get bad again. I need to ask you something Mike and I need you to be honest with me.” Calum said softly with fondness seeping into his voice and Michael nodded through the tears.

“What's going on in that brain of yours?” Calum asked and Michael was just screaming to tell him everything, his past, his future, his worries. He couldn't bring himself to do it though, which only made him more upset.  
“I-I can't tell you Cal.” Michael stuttered as he grabbed on to Calum's sweater and balled it up in his fist, why was he such an awful friend. Calum was trying to help him and this stupid show had ruined his life because he couldn't even be honest with a person who he has lived with for years and who he loves.

“C'mon Mike, there's something I can tell.” Calum whispered sweetly and all Michael could find to say was,  
“I-I'm a wreck.” as he felt his world crumble around him and Calum held him as tight as possible, trying to piece the boy together again. Michael didn't even know how the hell a few secrets led him to this point and that just made him worry even more that he was going mental. To Calum it was obvious. He needed love. He needed care and attention and to be wanted.

“Listen to me Michael, Mikey, listen to me. The worst moment of my life is when I thought you were gone. Never have I felt that much pain and heartache and I literally don't know what I would have done without you so listen to me, I will never ever let that happen again. I will do whatever it takes for you to be happy okay.” Calum whispered and Michael nodded, Calum pulled Michael in for one last squeeze before helping Michael up and leading him silently to Calum's room.  
“Hey you, how about me, you and Ash have a big cuddle?” Calum said smiling and Michael smiled along happily too, he loved Calum more than anyone could ever love another person, he really did. He just wished he was better at showing it. Ashton spoke up.

“I'll go get some new clothes and stuff to clean his wrists, you two get comfy.” Ashton winked at Michael and the fondness was radiating off of him as he beamed at Calum. Once he left the room Michael couldn't resist saying something.  
“How's you and Ashton, I mean he really seems to like you.” Michael whispered and Calum smiled as he buried Michael in a warm and loving embrace, playing gently with the parts of Michael's hair that hadn't been pulled out.  
“Really good I mean we haven't really had a stress free day together yet but he's always been there for me and he is really really sweet.” Calum giggled and anyone could see he was in love. Michael elbowed him twice and sent a wink his way and Calum shook his head.  
“Shut it, you beautiful idiot!” Calum joked and pressed a gentle kiss to Michael's forehead as a recognition of 'I'm here for you.' Michael could only smile yet again at how amazing his best friend was.

“Alright, Mike, let's clean you up bud.” Ashton said kindly a he re-entered the room with that beaming smile that appeared to be plastered on his face at all times. He took Michael's hand loosely and bent down as a way of asking 'is this okay?' without verbally saying it. Michael hesitantly nodded as he didn't want to see what mess he'd left behind in his sad/angry rage. Once Michael felt the cold air hit the wounds quite forcefully he cringed as both the other boys in the room gasped. He knew that was a bad sign and screwed his eyes shut, not wanting to look at the damage.  
“Wow Mike, you, um, you really went at it, didn't you?” Ashton joked with a rhetorical question, trying to lighten the deep, negative atmosphere in the room.

Once the cloth was pressed down a sharp hiss escaped Michael's mouth and Ashton was quick to apologise before returning to the job more lightly. Michael was so disappointed in himself, he wished his future husband luck because if Michael stayed this way, he was in for a huge fucking disappointment when he reached the alter.


	6. Some Blonde Haired Guy With a Quiff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so late and not much, I'm so damn busy at the moment!
> 
> L xx

A few days (and a therapist) later, Michael was in a slightly better place. He could see the mess the car accident had made of him and he was stronger overall. He wasn't great yet but him and everyone around him could see he was getting there.

“Cal, where are you going?” Michael asked as he bit down on his slice of toast, the crumbs falling out of his mouth as he spoke. Calum gave him a mock disgusted face before placing his hand on the door, itching to leave as he was already a little out of time on his morning schedule.  
“Off to work, unless you'd forgotten, some of us actually have jobs!” Calum joked and Michael stuck his tongue out at Calum, secretly he was relieved as he had a phone interview around lunchtime and he didn't want to lie yet again. He'd made that mistake way too many times and look at the state that got him in. Things had only just got back to normal for him and Calum, and apparently today was his first day back at work which Michael had forgotten.

Calum had gotten the days after Michael's meltdown off work so that he could look after Michael and make sure he was okay. Those few days were, well, shit. Michael was an absolute wreck. He needed constant reassurance and he never stopped apologising. Now he was a lot stronger and god damn was he ready for his soulmate. He did need to start looking for a job however he didn't really think employers would appreciate him disappearing at random times in the day with no reason why. He put those thoughts to the back of his mind and travelled upstairs, taking two at a time.

He needed to document his experiences so far into his scrapbook. He quickly ran back down and grabbed his phone unless ITV wanted to call him earlier than his allotted time. He picked it up and began scrolling through it as he went back up the stairs again, it was when he was speedily scrolling through his contacts checking that he had ITV's number programmed into his phone that he saw the name and kicked himself. Alex. How could he forget? He suddenly thought back to that one night on the train and how happy and kind Alex was compared to everyone else and how he actually checked up on Michael and wow he felt bad for not texting him however he knew he couldn't. The rules had been stated in every email, do not date whilst in participation. That didn't stop him though.

'Hey, it's Michael, we met on the train?' It was a bit lame but Michael guessed it didn't really matter considering how they met and how incredibly awkward/socially stupid Michael had been. Once it sent and the time of the message flashed up, Michael put it down and began scanning his printed photo's of the first interview that he had taken on his iPhone. He opened the book smiling as he enjoyed doing this, it was his way to relax and think about the great things to come. His fingers made quick work of flipping over the pages, he had converted a few spare pages to writing about his interviews and sticking in any pictures he had taken. Michael had largely underestimated the amount of pictures he would take but whatever, he would find a place for them anyway.

He grabbed the first picture and saw it was a photo of him outside the front of the studio smiling widely and doing a thumbs up, the sign towering over him. He had asked a passer by to take it for him as his adrenaline high allowed his anxiety to calm a bit and it actually was a really nice picture. Michael carefully cut around the edges (even though he never could cut straight, how ironic) and carelessly tossed glue over the back, pressing it down onto the paper. He continued this for a while, smiling at the memories the pictures held and he was halfway through gluing a comedic selfie from when he was waiting to get let in, in the middle of his page when his phone chimed with that awful ping that Michael kept forgetting to change, not that he really knew how to. Maybe he should ask Calum later.

He stuck the paper down so that the glue didn't dry and clambered his way over the mess to where he had placed his phone a few moments ago. He huffed at the fact that he was disturbed until he noticed the name at the top and remembered that he was the one who texted Alex before he had started.  
'Hey Michael, how are you? :) xxx'  
God damn, how did he still manage to be adorable over text? Michael stared at the words for a second, he hadn't gone too far yet to just stop replying altogether however Michael wasn't sure he could be so cruel. The mental image of the brown haired boy smiling from the other day persuaded him to carry on, damn he hated his easily swayed nature.

'I'm good thanks, you? :) x' Michael send with only one kiss so that if he were to back out his texts could only be seen as friendly. Michael dragged the phone back and finished off the last few photos in between texting Alex. All of a sudden just as Michael has finished, a text he never anticipated came through, 'would you like to go for drinks at some point? Xxx'  
Oh god.  
Michael panicked, rapidly thinking of every excuse he could, but none seemed believable. Michael knew that it could ruin so many things but at the same time make some better.

He was stood debating his answer when his phone went off buzzing in pulses into his palm. Great. Absolutely perfect. Michael looked down at the screen and genuinely thought his life was cursed as it read 'ITV Studios' in the caller ID. Michael answered quickly and a woman with a sweet voice filled the other end of the phone.  
“Hello, is this Michael Clifford?” The woman asked and Michael immediately responded with a yes.  
“I'm just quickly calling to tell you that you are still in the running for our show Married At First Sight, you do still want to participate Michael?” She asked and Michael cringed before answering yes again.

“You next meeting with us is in two weeks, we will email any information closer to the time, is that okay?” She explained and Michael cursed his inability to have a decent phone conversation as he awkwardly stutters.  
“W-What will we be doing, i-if I can ask?” There is a pause on the other end of the line. Michael slightly panics that he's asked something he's not supposed to and mentally slaps himself.  
“It's one of the questionnaires.” She replies and Michael sighs with relief, they're easy because it involves no speaking or human interaction, Michael can deal with that. After a few goodbyes the call has ended and Michael puts his phone down to see if there's any more of his scrapbook to work on.

He does a few more comments on the first meetings and documents the phone call before he hears Calum come home from work. He mimics Calum shouting his name as he does every time he come in the house and then trudges down the stairs, still in his pyjama bottoms and oversized Iron Maiden tshirt that has various stains from god knows what.  
“Hey Cal, how was work?” Michael asked as he grabbed a coke can from the fridge and leaned on the counter.  
“Same as usual except some blonde haired guy with a quiff came in looking really shy for an interview or some shit and I actually felt kinda sorry for the guy, he was damn cute though.” Calum explained, as he stole the can out of Michael's hands and took a large gulp from it.

“Hey Cal, that was mine!” Michael exclaimed as he huffed in annoyance at Calum.  
“Well I paid for it, when you start working you can claim things as yours!” Calum said and Michael simply stuck his tongue out as he headed to the bathroom. What Michael didn't realise was that he had left his phone up on the counter. Calum smirked at the phone and immediately a million different ideas of how to embarrass Michael for life flooded into his brain.

He picked up the phone and clicked onto his messages however when he saw a name he didn't recognise he clicked on it. So Alex hmm. That's why he's being so secretive recently and sneaking out. Even though Calum was wrong, there was nobody to confront him so he simply filed the information he had seen into his brain for later as Michael was coming back down the stairs. Once Michael entered the kitchen Calum went back to normal as he placed the can down and went to the door.  
“I'm going to pick Ashton up, be back later.” Calum said and before Michael could reply the door was shutting. Michael huffed a 'fine' and went back upstairs, unaware of Calum's knowledge.


	7. NOTE

Hey guys,

Hi guys, I am sad to say that as much as I don't want to, I have to leave this fic here. I adored writing this and am gonna keep the chapters up here but the direction of this fic wasn't certain and I'm at a loss of where it can go so I'm so sorry!

lots of love and I hope you understand,

L xx


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